My present problems and past pretty memories seem to derive from one point in my life.
And oh how I wish to play that over and over until the end of time... but I cannot.
I sleep better with someone, and I recall having her beside me, our eyes closed
with a smile across both our faces. I can clearly and simply label those nights at her house while her parents were gone the best nights of my life. The comfort, the warmth, the lack of loneliness all placed there in my heart and mind, as we seemed to become one. So soothing was sleeping then. So calm I was. And as that era in my life came to a bitter and salt-watered end for me, I seemed to have lost my ability to feel the same way about any one. For how long? I can't tell. The memories stain my mind still... I don't foresee a time in which the stain will ever come out. I have held the shattered remains of that time bitterly for so long... is it that I don't know how to let this go? Is it that I want to keep this -as my best memories- with me for as long as I live? I know that she has a great life now... happy, in love and without me. But if I can be so easily forgotten then who's to say I will not go through this every time I try at love? Who's to say I even know what love is now? With such a clear grasp on understanding, I may have lost the one thing I don't want to forget how to do.
I apologize to all my close friends for bringing this up again and again. I know what you're all thinking. "Yeah yeah yeah Blake, we know... we know... you're numb and you want something... blah blah we've heard it before." You don't have to read this. No one does. When I type these things, or write, I feel as though I'm getting it out so I don't hold it all in.
All in all, I am content with the possibility that I may be meant to be alone. "Everyone has someone in their life" may not go for everyone. My mate may be my own damned mind